Codependency: an adoptee coping pattern

I sit with a lot of adoptees. Commonly, I see them struggling with relationships. They cry and sit in confusion. They weep and feel stuck again and again. I myself as an adoptee had to explore this same issue and pattern. Why do so many adoptees struggle with relationships and how they function within them?

So why does the he codependency pattern develop for adoptees? Well, it actually makes a lot of sense from my perspective; both as an adopted person and as a seasoned relationally focused therapist. I work with clients on all things adoption. That means for me, what happens to a person relationally and psychologically and neurobiologically?

Codependency often develops due to a combination of psychological, emotional, and relational factors. Here are some key reasons:

1. Family Dynamics: Growing up as an adopted child is complicated and highly unusual even adverse. This makes it a complex family dynamic. If the family also includes one or more members contending with addiction issues, mental illness, or emotional unavailability this can lead a child to cope by developing codependent behaviors. They may learn to prioritize others' needs over their own. Many adoptees share that they felt that their parent’s need for a child was greater than their own need as an adoptee to be understood.

2. Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-worth may feel that their value comes from taking care of others. Adoptees frequently tell me in session they feel obligated to care for their adoptive parents emotional needs They may believe that their identity is tied to being needed, leading them to neglect their needs.

3. Fear of Abandonment: A deep-seated fear of being abandoned or rejected can drive adoptees to become overly accommodating or controlling in relationships, often sacrificing their own well-being to keep others close. FEAR OF MORE ABANDONMENT

4. Unresolved Trauma: Past traumas, separation from birth family, genetics, culture and race can result in unhealthy attachment styles and a tendency to form anxious pleasing relationships as a coping mechanism.

5. Societal and Cultural : Societal norms that emphasize adoptee self-sacrifice, particularly in certain cultures or gender roles, can reinforce codependent behaviors. Individuals may feel pressured to conform to the culture and race of their adoptive family in spite of obvious differences and inclinations.

6. Poor Boundaries: Adopted people often need to learn how to understand and assert personal boundaries. After a childhood of people pleasing it’s a skill set they often miss out on developing. A lack of understanding personal boundaries can lead to enmeshed relationships where individuals feel responsible for others' feelings and actions.

Recognizing and addressing these underlying issues through therapy with adopted persons can help them break the codependent patterns and develop healthier, more boundaried relationships.

In kindness,

Amy xx